If you do...

Understand me, you wouldn't have acted like that. It pains me so much.

All papers down and i'm a happy girl. I can catch up with friends, work, slack. To sum up, to do whatever i want to do or whatever i feel like doing - including blogging with peektures.

On a side note, Boyf is leaving for China soon :( I will miss her like how a martian misses mars when put in Singapore. She's leaving on the 4th or 5th. CAN YOU DON'T GO. Even though like we kind of drifted apart but please, you still have a place in my heart cause you're my boyfriend and i still share things with you. EEK. So mushy right. I know you will confirm say i so er xin -.- But 6 months leis. Damn long eh :( Time faster pass. AND PLEASE MSN/WEBCAM ME OR WHATEVER LA OKAY. Your boyfriend important but your girlfriend here is also important okay ALLEN LUO WAN LING.

Oh yeah, idk if Dickson reads my blog but i heard you're going "ji nan" (so difficult) so take care too and update me okay chao ah beng? :)

Well, i had a tiff with _. Sometimes it just hurts me so much that up till now, you don't really understand me.

I know my friends and I are still young and we have yet to experience things or that we don't know how to handle things yet. I know you're worried for my safety and everything but the words you used to show your care. Makes me feel so little, so dumb, so child.

I did everything i can for you. To make this work, i sacrificed alot but i didn't mind cause i know we would be happy. But the thing is, it hurts when i heard you said something like that about my friends. Although you might not mean what i thought but that is what i feel. I strayed away from them and lost contact because i know we would have too little time together if i continued my ways. My friends were good enough to understand my plight and safely kept their distance but never once did they seriously broke ties with me just because i overlook them for you. And never once did they ask me to choose them or you despite me meeting them only when needed.

I used to put them as my priority, but after being with you, they aren't anymore.

It hurts when i hear you say such things which even though you didn't mean it in a malicious way as i intepreted. Because they took into account i regarded our relationship as something serious and they respected us and not merely stay away when i need a listening ear or when you aren't free. Do you know that?

And i was angry when i pushed you away, i didn't mean to do it. But at that time, it still hurts.

Am i really in the wrong love? Or are we really not suited?

I'm just not top on the list, am i ?


Anyway.

Diana, Happy birthday to you girl! :)

*idk if she reads this, me pretend she does.

If you do understand me and love me, hold me, i'm breaking down

How to

Study..

Fuck law fuck everything. Now i just need a pillar of strength.

Sometimes i ponder and think, do you love me more than yesterday but less than tomorrow?

Because, sometimes i feel lost but i don't dare to question.

Am i being paranoid?

And now, I'm the unsure one about her own feelings. But how to bring it across to you without you thinking ____.

I missed this

It's the lugging never ending nose piled in heaps of books, brain even more cramped than buses in India, eyes prying to open apart and the body trying to keep awake period of time.

Yes, the exams period. And guess what? I.HAVE.NOT.STARTED. I know standing ovation for me. But no encores i'm sorry. See, i'm so petrified that i have no fucking idea what am i typing.

Since i was taking a breather, i browsed through my old old pictures and marvelled at my change.

From joining to quitting, from clubbing to not clubbing, from everyday out to lesser outs, from menthol light to fresh air, from inked to the un-inked. Yeah. I guess this change did me some good. But as i mentioned 982340985 times, i missed my past.

Isn't this like the choiest ever ? Sighs. Bye bye. I guess i won't be having another till i'm 20 odd?

Mummy just warned me against tattoos (like again!). I guess she really abhors the very idea of ink on my body. Well, what to do. When i grow up, maybe i would. But till then...

Or maybe i will just chicken out when i get older.

Ah, the process of growing.

Anyway post u a question,

What if one day your other half tells you he/she does not have feelings for you anymore and ask you to make a choice to stay together or break up.

Which would you choose?

Oh disclaimer: Gary and I are fine and doing on well :) We'll get married like 23984903458 years later? HAHA. I'm joking. But yes, currently we are going on strong and fine.

Lg ice cream is super loved. Although it gives me a heck of problems. Similar to the gift sender eh? :x

The scarring.

Do you know

Sometimes it will hurt ?

Like when you know too much of things that you shouldn't know. But it was because of curiosity.

And then now, you look at the person in a different light. Your mind will start wandering by itself like some lost dog.

And you will just start to compare yourself. Why was this person like that in the past but not like it now.

Sometimes i really have to admit, ignorance is bliss.

Whatever it is, this is what i keep telling myself,

"You know what you should not have known. This the price you pay for being curious. Suck it up, Fuck it and just live with the shit"

Yes, I know but undeniably,

i hate this part, i can't stand these tears.

But what to do when you've already found out? Other than ponder and think about the difference there's nothing much else i can do.

she said, "I'm everything she's not and she's everything i am. Therefore, the difference".

Can you likely imagine the pain ?

I said...

i'm so gonna update with peektures right? So here it goes for the past few idk how many years? millions? billions? Zillions? HAHA. Exaggeration.

I was complaining like how my boyfriend is uber ROMANTIC. NOT. So to prove himself wrong, he did something super unexpected. In my opinion, it is truly wildly unexpected. This kind of thing should most prolly be my doing but well, I'M HAPPY.

He stuffed this into my bag on the day when i went tampines to do project and ended up taking like 92834752 years to reach serangoon. The thing is, i only told him i like the wallet the previous day.

Yes, Envy me.

I seriously digggg this. Not only because it's pink but also cause it's from my guy :) It's not the price that matters, it's the effort that counts. Serangoon - Dhoby Ghaut. And the tough part was my calls since i being the petty little woman gets pissed and peeved when i call a person and he/she never pick up.

I'm sorry Baby!

After this was our Big Day.

No, Not Marriage. His birthday la. It's OUR because i spent two months to arrange make and decide what to buy. Many much thanks to his friends :) And my pocket :)

So cute right? HAHA. I uber like this photo.

We were trying to play some behind the bars kind of scene but it didn't totally work out. But, still, i guess this is the best picture of US on that day.

The cake which i 环岛追追追 to get. It was seriously hard work because i as chiong-ing law and the scrapbook at the same time. Nevertheless, it's work well done.

He picked me up at Vivo and we headed to Novena for Steamboat :) Everyone was late and it got baby uber pissed. And i was late too! I'm sorry but i really rushed like some mad dog :(

So in the end let's summarise.

Stayed over at his place and rushed home in the morning to doll up, rushed project and scrapbook, forgot breakfast and lunch. After that rushed to vivo to get the cake. Baby was pissed because everyone was late. And steamboat-ed. Passed him the wonderfully done scrapbook which i'm fucking proud of. My first time doing it okay! And the finale present. Though we quarrelled over it. Or rather, i made a fucking big fuss, but neverminds, i'm sorry. (Because i spent a lot of time and money searching and yeah).

In the end, made up, everything was alright. We forgave each other, K-ed, quarrelled again over _ but everything was fine because he knows i only love him. Cut cake. Nice cake by the way. And la kopi and K.O. at his place.

I know the finale present right? WAIT.

Make a guesss???? It's horse with the rider macam going to war. Starts with a B (stands for Baby. Yuck. I'm so corny)

Yes, Burberry classic. I super love the checks so of course i shall present this to the person i love :) Okay, i know, the jitters.

Combination :) Maybe it's like coincidence? HAHA.

And Vday.

I fucking swear i was quite fucked out in the right way. I didn't expect anything from him. And i threw my fugly tantrum on him cause he keep cancelling and not cancelling to meet. And apparently, Yours Truly really hates last minute things.

And i do know hes getting something for me but i expect something like soft toy? chocolates? roses? But this is what i got.

LG ICE CREAM IN PINK. Yes, I know I'm lucky so i should stop being whiny and throwing tantrums at him. But you know, i can't help it! Nevertheless, i was quite shocked.

G: can you help me spray the freshner

C: Okay. Take peekture first.

G: Now can you spray?

C: huh. Orh.

And then there is this uber big card that melts my heart and a rose. Although it's at his place. Its deeply appreciated.

Baby, Thank you isn't sufficient but as i'm typing this, i'm backspacing as well because i can't find a word to truly express how i feel.

Shame on someone who can make anyone speechless with her words.

Sorry for all the tantrums and unreasonableness i undertook. I have apologized again and again but i never seem to be able to quit. Sorry B!

Happy 8 months to you too!

Love you.

"It really isn't how much it cost. Seriously. What matters to me was the effort and sincerity to all these."

:)

It isn't the gift that matters, it's the thought that counts.

It may be something which cost 1 buck but i will still be satisfied because of the effort taken. But nevertheless, it came unexpected and i'm loss for words.

And i'm sorry for throwing you my tantrums when it isn't your fault.

Will update soon.

Thank you, love :)

[/edit]
I was talking to kit kit and i really found out i changed a lot. A whole lot. I have no idea what caused this change. She said Gary. Yeah, maybe. I don't know either.

To some this change is good to some it's bad. No more drinking, clubbing, smoking, lion dance, late night outs, ton, tattoo. Somehow, i feel that I'm not me anymore, i reverted back.

I just discovered something i should not have known. Curiosity perhaps. But like who wouldn't be.

Maybe I'm simply not the real one. Or that it's just a sub.

Whatever it is, the past haunts me deep and down. I really wonder now what would life be like if i had chosen another route instead of this.

Would i be happier or would i be more upset?

You forgot as usual. Unlike the past for _.

i already

"I already tried my best. Mummy, i already did. But daddy, why is it still like that?

why am i still feeling so miserable?

Why can't i smile happily again?

Mummy, Daddy, why ???"

i don't care fuck that shit.

I don't care fuck that fucking shit.

This is all bullshit. To think i will smile happily. I should have known.

Fucking bullshit.

[/edit]

Now. I'm starting to think. Am i really significant to you ?

Please don't let me_. I'm on the verge. Because all these hurt so much.

Maybe.

I'm not feeling so good right now. The thought has been bothering me and i couldn't express it out to anyone. It sounds so pathetic but i couldn't relate to anyone at all.

So for a start,

I don't really feel loved. I don't feel important. I don't feel happy now.

To summarise, i'm feeling down. Very down.

Maybe i'm not all that good enough to deserve something good.

And i don't think this is good.

Pretty Pretty Please

I'm rushing madly for time right now and i'm feeling anxious/pertrified/excited all in one.

Butterflies are flying all around in my stomach. I'm not sure what reaction i will receive. But i do hope it's a positive one.

But well, even if it's negative, i pray hard that i won't cry on the spot.

My heart's thumping like a wild rabbit. God, please, give me strength.

I'm shivering as i'm typing this. I really am. Please let it be good..

Please don't let me break down.

Please.

[/edit]
God didn't help me. But i don't know what i'm feeling now. It's a mixed feeling and it isn't good.

No mood to blog, till tmr,.